I rented a small house in Portland, Oregon last weekend for a wedding. I’m pretty sure we were the first renters to stay in the property.

The wedding was lovely. The house… was a lesson that would be useful to all potential investors looking to rehab a property for renters.

How not to prepare a property for renters, a pictorial:

1. Rental remodel 1 pic

It’s lovely to paint the cabinets and put in a new stove with a glass top range. It’s fantastic to have a pretty new hood installed above the range. It’s imperative, however, to the fire codes and insurance and things like that, that you actually connect and install the hood to draw steam and smoke out and away from the stove. Otherwise you might as well just tack a picture of Justin Beiber up over the stove. It would do just as much good.

2. Rental remodel 2 pic

Thanks for putting 88 glass tumblers of various sizes in the cabinet. That was really nice of you. But for reals not one wine glass or wine bottle opener? Not so helpful.

3. Rental remodel 3 pic

This is not a closet. Not even close.

4. Rental remodel 4 pic

Transitions that are not securely fastened are just a broken toe away from a lawsuit. I could have been a really important ballet dancer. But now that will never happen. And I think you need to pay me several million dollars to make up for that. Just saying.

5. Rental remodel 5 pic

Let’s all just take a second and look at this picture to see if we can figure out what’s missing. No, that’s ok, take another minute and think about it. It took me awhile, too. In fact, I didn’t figure out what the problem was until I closed the door to change for the first time and then went to open it. Oh… now you see, right? (DOOR KNOBS ARE IMPORTANT.)

6. Rental remodel 6 pic

So I’m from Arizona and it’s possible I don’t really know, but I don’t think that heater thing is supposed to look like that. Right?

7. Rental remodel 7 pic

This IS a closet. However it’s just a closet constructed for a funhouse.

8. Rental remodel 8 pic

It’s sweet of you to make the effort to put art on the walls, but maybe you should take the extra step and actually put pictures in the frames. Just a suggestion.

9. Rental remodel 9 pic

I’m really grateful you put a lock on it, but would it have been that difficult to board your evil twin in a mental asylum somewhere rather than sticking him in the attic of your rental? It’s kind of creeping me out and I’m having trouble sleeping.

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